Oh the HUMANCE!
by Sing a Song 119
Summary: What do you get when you combine humor and romance? HUMANCE! This is a small set of unrelated humantic drabbles to keep you romantics laughing! "Never Trust Cookies"-Jeb knew he never should’ve given his new assistants those cookies from the Director.
1. Bob, Senior Junior

**A/N:** Ah, here we are again. But as I usually write cute lil' fluffy songfics, I've decided to try... HUMOR! Dun, dun, DUN!!!!!! So, tell me what you think, and if I do humor better than fluff.

**Bob, Senior Junior**

**MAX'S POV**

How did my flock get to this? The world has gone crazy! How do we save it? More importantly, how did I get Fang to say this?!

"Yes, I want Bob Senior Junior, the camouflaged, Yankee, male, flippin' monkey. His job is to make those crazy For-Sale signs and spit on people. He has a brother named Bob Junior Junior, whose job is to live in chimneys and eat flowers (yes, he gets paid for that!). Bob Senior Junior is 28 and a sixth, and Bob Junior Junior is teenaged (17 to be exact). They both work for their father, Bob Junior Senior, who makes those pretty wire model things. They are the pride of their family. May I PLEASE have Bob Senior Junior back?"

And if you don't think that little speech is crazy, you have to reread it again.

**§**

Ah, I remember how it all started. It started innocently enough. We were flying away after a disastrous attempt to see a Yankee's game. The Yankees are Fang's favorite team, so how could I say no? Before we left the game, Fang bought a hat that was camouflaged with a Yankee symbol on it. He loved the hat like his own child. Which was kinda scary.

Anyway, I was really bored, so I stole the hat. After chasing me around (and failing to catch me), Fang said, "Max, can I have my hat?"

"_May _I...?"

" Fine, _may_ I have my hat?"

"1, no, and 2, it's not a hat. It's a monkey," I replied casually.

"May I have the monkey?"

"You forgot to say it was camouflaged."

"FINE, may I have the camouflaged monkey?"

"No, it's a camouflaged YANKEE monkey."

"Fine. May I have the camouflaged YANKEE monkey?"

"... Nudge, do you think it's female or male?" I asked.

"Hmmm... definitely male," she replied.

"MAY I HAVE THE CAMOUFLAGED YANKEE MALE FLIPPIN' MONKEY?!"

"OOH, I didn't know it could flip!" exclaimed Angel.

I put my ear the hat. "Oh, by the way, he says his name is Bob Senior Junior." I told the flock.

"SENIOR Junior?" questioned Iggy.

"Yup. He has a brother named Bob Junior Junior," explained Gazzy.

And so it continued, with us dishing out names. An hour later, we had figured out that our friend Bob Senior Junior the monkey was 28 and a 6th and he worked to make those "crazy" For-Sale signs and to spit on people. We also realized he had a brother named Bob Junior Junior who was teenaged (Gazzy told us he was around 17) and got paid to live in chimneys and eat flowers. Both Bob Juniors were the prides of their monkey family and helped their father (Bob Junior Senior) make those "pretty" wire model things.

Fang said, "Yes, I want Bob Senior Junior, the camouflaged, Yankee, male, flippin' monkey. His job is to make those crazy For-Sale signs and spit on people. He has a brother named Bob Junior Junior, whose job is to live in chimneys and eat flowers (yes, he gets paid for that!). Bob Senior Junior is 28 and a sixth, and Bob Junior Junior is teenaged (17 to be exact). They both work for their father, Bob Junior Senior, who makes those pretty wire model things. They are the pride of their family. May I PLEASE have Bob Senior Junior back?"

After saying that little mouthful, I shot in, "You forgot that they-"

Unfortunately, no one will ever end up knowing what Fang forgot about our monkey friends, because at that moment, Fang cut me off by kissing me. RIGHT ON THE LIPS. Not only was I stunned into silence (it helped that I was touching where he kissed me), but he also stole his hat back!

"You, my good sir, will resort to everything to get Bob Senior Junior back," observed Nudge.

"Oh, that. I also did it because... I felt like it," Fang clarified.

"Well, glad that's all cleared up-" said Iggy, before I kissed Fang back. Such the good kisser that Fang is, I only came back when Iggy said, "Umm... Guys? You're scaring me and Gazzy for life."

I turned around and saw Iggy covering his ears as Gazzy covered his eyes.

"Well, I think it's sweet," said Angel, who was staring unabashedly (if you don't know what that means, you lose 69 points on the Game of Life. BOOOOOO!).

"Yeah, me too," added Nudge dreamily.

I have one thing to say in conclusion: I will always thank/love Bob Senior Junior, the camouflaged, Yankee, male, flippin' monkey.

**A/N:** SOOOOOO? Good? BAD?! It's up to you, my dear readers, whether I make another!


	2. The Power of Cream

**A/N:** So, thought I was dead? Well, you're out of luck, 'cause I'm NAAAAAAT!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Maximum Ride. If I did, I wouldn't be in a small white room in a straitjacket. Do you know how hard it is to type with your tongue?**

**The Power of Cream**

POV NUDGE

So, you know, one day the Flock were bored, and me 'n' Angel thought we should get Max and Fang together. They WERE, they just didn't realize it. SO we decided we would play Truth or Dare. Max and Fang ALWAYS pick dare. You'd think they'd learn, but they never do.

Everyone was willing to play the game, except for Max and Fang. Now, everyone in the Flock were bored, so they all said sure. Max just did it because she was ultra bored, but Fang needed some convincing. I had secretly bought a Cream Pie, so...

"FAAAAAAAANG! Play!"

"No."

I held out the cream pie. "The Power of Cream compels you!"

"CREEEEEAAAAAAAAM!" Fang's secret weakness is... cream.

"Only if you play. The winner eats the pie."

§

So we started the game.

"Iggy, truth or dare?" Angel asked.

"Ummm..." Iggy said, thinking of the last dare he did. It was to lick my boots after I had stepped in tons of mud. "Truth."

"OK... what would you do for this pie?"

"ANYTHING. You know I love that pie."

In fact, all of us loved Cream Pie. Whenever I saw it I would shut up, Iggy would start to drool, Fang would try and grab it, Max would try and take it (saying it was pay for leading us), and in the end Angel would just force us to give it to her.

"OK Iggy, your turn."

"Nudge, truth or dare?"

"Dare," I said, not thinking.

"I dare you... to confess your love to Ari when you next see him."

"WHAT!!!! I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH ARI!!!!!!"

He smirked. "Well, now you are."

_Dangit! _I thought. _He's good!_ "Ok, Gazzy, truth or dare?"

§

And so it continued, right until Iggy had truthed me on how to win.

"Ummm... you do the dare the best?" I responded, lamely. "'K Fang, Truth or Dare?"

"Dare!" proclaimed Fang. Wow. He REALLY wanted to win that pie.

I looked at Angel. She nodded. It was time for us... to strike. I had a wicked smile and an evil look in my eye when I said, "OK, Fang. You have to..."

"Yes?" he said.

"You have to..."

"Yes?!"

"You have to..."

"YES?"

"You have to..."

"ENOUGH ALREADY! JUST GET TO THE STINKIN' POINT!!!!!!" he said, aggravated. I love aggravating Fang.

"OK, OK. Don't be so impatient. You have to do 7 Minutes of Heaven with... Max."

"WHAAAAAAT?!" they exclaimed.

"Faaaaaang... Maaaaaax... THE POWER OF CREAM COMPELS YOU!!!" I cried vehemently (if you don't know what that means... then you lose 57 points in the game of Life).

"OK! I'll do it!" they yelled in unison.

§

Boy, the sounds coming from there? I don't think Gassy and Iggy will ever be the same.

Max and Fang came out, looking flushed exited.

"Sooo?" they asked. "Do we get the Cream Pie?"

"Umm, sorry guys," I apologized. "I ate it."

"YOU WHAAAAAAT?!!!!" screamed the whole Flock.

_Uh oh,_ I thought.


	3. ALIENS!

**A/N: **Here we are again, peeps! Thanks to Katie-3llen for the idea!

**Disclaimer: I like pants (and I don't own Max)**

**ALIENS!!!!!**

POV Angel

Max and I had seen how Nudge looked at Iggy, and how Iggy looked back. But now, we have the guts and ideas to do it! All we need is a little manipulation cute little girl laugh.

§

First, I made Fang fly above us with Total. It was exactly noon, so all they were was a dark shadow. Then I went up to Nudge and said (wearing my troubled-little-girl look), "Look Nudge! Look at the aliens!"

"What?"

"I can tell! I can't read their minds at all!"

Cue gasp.

"WHAAAAAAAT?"

"But I know a way to stop them!"

"YOOOOOU DOOOOOOO?"

"YES! You have to jump around and yell, 'Yabba Doo, Yabbba Doo'!"

Well, Nudge wasted no time doing this. After all, she HATES aliens, after the time when Fang told her that aliens had kidnapped her parents. THANK YOU FANG!!!

I gave Max thumbs up, telling her to proceed. We were ready for step 2: Getting Iggy to Nudge.

"Iggggggy!" Max complained.

"What, Max?" replied Iggy, who was meditating away from camp.  
"Can you get Nudge to shut up? I think she finally fell off her rocker!"

"OK, fine."

Step 2, complete!

§

Once Iggy got to camp and saw Nudge, he looked slightly worried. Ha ha. He can hide stuff from Borcht but can't hide his crush.

"Umm, Nudge? Are you OK?" he asked, timidly.

"NO IGGY!!!! ALIENS ARE HERE!!!!"

"What?" he asked staring straight at her.

Now was our chance. As quick as lightning, I pushed Nudge and Max pushed Iggy. STRAIGHT INTO EACH OTHER.

SMACK!

Bull's-eye! We got 'em both on the kisser! 100 points for me and Max!

"Wha...?" And they are at it again folks? Bets for how long it takes them to confess? 10 seconds? 15? 20?! 3-

Ok, never mind.


	4. Never Trust Cookies

A/N: Hey guys

**A/N: **Hey guys! I'm sorry; I got lost on the road of life. I just recently stumbled back to this computer giggles embarrassedly. I hope this is extra kooky!

**Disclaimer: No me gusta frijoles (I don't own Maximum Ride)**

**Warnings:** Very AU. And IMMENSLY disturbing. It's even disturbing for me.

**Summary:** Jeb knew he never should've given his new assistants those cookies from the Director.

**NEVER TRUST COOKIES**

Jeb Batchledor has had a horrible day. Now it's going from horrible, to worse.

It seemed like a fine day, a day to be happy in. Everything was going as planned. Even the stay-away-from-the-amazingly-cool-hybrids-or-you'll-die (aka SAFACHYD) talk had gone fine.

That is, until 9:00.

That was when he realized that he had worn Ari's old Thomas the Tank Engine socks, forgotten to order those new crates, failed the "Peer Assessment", hired an idiot who didn't know quantum physics from quails, forgotten to bring lunch, fell flat on his face in front of the Director, and missed a crucial meeting. His day couldn't get any worse.

But by lunchtime, Jeb was wishing he had never thought that. Why? Because of cookies.

Jeb knew he never should've given his new assistants those cookies from the Director. But what could he say? They looked delicious, and he thought that the Director had forgiven him. So he gave them to his colleagues.

They seemed fine until 1:00. Then his colleagues started to act like they were high. Around that time, Maximum Ride and the Flock (**A/N:** Oh, that sounds like a band name!) decided to "drop in". In this case, drop in means: A) destroy the lab, B) beat up the Erasers, C) humiliate the white coats, or D) do all of the above.

Guess which one they picked.

That's right, option D).

The weirdest part was that the new white coats didn't run away like mentioned in the SAFACHYD talk.

They ran toward the Flock.

What part of the SAFACHYD didn't they understand?

All of it, apparently (which wasn't that weird, seeing as the talk only repeated the title 5 times or so).

The calm air was shattered quickly with screams of "MAX!", "ANGEL!", "NUDGE!", and even the occasional "FANG!".

Everyone in the Flock (and Jeb) looked bewildered (minus Gassy and Iggy. I wonder why?). But (un) fortunately, the worst was yet to come.

Soon, Jeb's colleagues started to jump on the surprised Max and tried to kiss her. This made Fang more than a little pissed. But he didn't have time to kick butt. Very soon, he too was swamped with Whitecoats. Now it was Max's turn to get pissed. Nudge was smirking. She knew that they loved each other. But then she became too busy dodging fan girl-ish Whitecoats to smirk any more.

Iggy and Gassy were the only ones not to get swamped. Funny how that works, right?

After about an hour or two of being swamped by fan... uh... boys, the Flock made their hasty departure. An hour or so later, the Whitecoats stopped acting like fan-boys. Jeb still didn't know what happened. He banged his head against the wall. He was supposed to be smart or something!

In a small campsite, far, far away, four of the six Flock-mates were still getting over their mental scarring. Fang shivered and said, "One asked for my number."

While the rest of the Flock was getting over their shock at this statement, two rather devious members snuck away to a secluded spot.

"Do you think that was a bit too much?" asked one.

"No, Iggy, definitely not. Did you see the look on Jeb's face?!" said the other.

They laughed until one noticed several shadows over them. They turned around to see the rest of the Flock.

"Uhh... hey guys," said Gassy. "What's... up?"

The rest of the night, screams could be heard through the small valley that they camped in.


End file.
